Modern Rashi on: Time For Honesty in Shidduchim

Even COL's editorial pages can be right twice a decade

I often get complaints about my blog that it is just too negative. Well, fear not, this is that positive piece all of you feel-goodies have been waiting for. In an effort to improve the marriage culture in the community, this anonymous bochur says a bunch of common sense ideas about dating, which COL shockingly published. Also, this bochur knows how to write, which is another shock. And he actually uses his words to say things. I am thoroughly confused as to why the rest of the community is not modeled after this.…

by anonymous

There is an old adage “honesty is the best policy.” This truth applies to all facets of one’s life. An area in which it carries particulate importance is dating.

Because nothing creates a stronger foundation for marriage than making sure you know who you are hopping into bed with. Unless you are in the shidduch system, apparently.

As a 23-year-old bochur, I’ve had my fair share of shidduchim suggested over the past couple of years.

Someone thinks he is hot shiznit, and quite deservedly, I might add.

What I always find infuriating, is when shadchanim want me to “adjust” the truth in order to make their suggested shidduch seem more suitable.

Rather than find more suitable matches, these shadchanim want this and every other bochur to lie. And here I was thinking the job of a shadchan was to match people up, not shove square pegs into round holes.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve received requests to change my resume one way or the other.

At least he is speaking in clear, plain words. This begs the question, with his clear level of high intellect, why has he not come to the conclusion that shadchanim are trash and should not be used.

What this encourages, is for the guys and girls to be loose with the truth, both with the person they’re dating, and with themselves. They both misrepresent themselves to others, and loose touch with what they actually think of, and want for themselves.

Y’know, if those UnShadchans wanted to impress, this is the article they should have written instead. Maybe he should be giving lessons to those UnShadchans when they call him up with their dumb ideas.

Last week, someone suggested a shidduch to me. They prefaced it by saying that for the shidduch to work, I have to start wearing only white shirts, shouldn’t follow sports, and a few other gems. “Besides for that it’s a perfect shidduch”, he told me. I laughed him off the phone.

Guys, I swear, this article was not written by me, although it certainly sounds like it was.

From conversations with friends, I know I’m not the only one this happens to. And, many of the others actually agree to such conditions for the moment, in order for the “perfect” shidduch to work.

Shadchanim: coercing people into unhappy marriages since the 1600s.

Marriages which are predicated on one changing oneself don’t work. Could it be possible that the rise of divorce and broken engagements in our community is somehow linked to this?

The levels of genius of this bochur are reaching supernova levels.

Too many people are dating based on what someone else wants them to be, versus who they actually are. Once they get married, (or engaged), they quickly realize that they aren’t, and can’t be the person they pretended to be in order to date. And everything goes downhill from there.

When you build a relationship on smoke and mirrors, do not be shocked when it comes tumbling down. Reality will win eventually. The only question is when.

Parents and anyone involved in shidduchim, please stop encouraging the guys and girls dating to be fake.

Imagine if the UnShadchans ever wrote something like this. They might actually be popular.

If you don’t like or approve of the character and qualities of your son or daughter, try influencing them to transform themselves or just accept it. Lying might work, but it can also cause a ripple effect with long lasting disappointment and hurt.

Every word that comes out of his mouth is pure gold; I wanna marry this guy.

If everyone just started being real, dating would be that much simpler. It would actually enable one to find their match, not just someone with an outward appearance of matching.

Unfortunately to say, this situation has not improved one iota since this piece was written in 2016, but thankfully the UnShadchans are still at it.

מִבָּחוּר זֶה עַד הַיּוֹם לֹא נֶאֱמְרוּ דְּבָרִים אֲמִתִּיִּים מֵאֵלֶּה
From this bochur until now, no truer words than these have been spoken.