Shidduch Resumes
Everything you don't actually care to know about a person, all in one place!
Groupthink is apparently the most powerful force on earth. It routinely convinces otherwise intelligent adults to adopt the most contrived and asinine ideas imaginable. Nowhere is this more obvious than in religious dating, where every aspect of “the system” is designed to insult basic reasoning. I have already demolished reference calls, so let us now turn to the community’s favorite ritualistic exercise in illogical stupidity: the shidduch resume.
A shidduch resume is generally a PDF with a fuzzy picture of yourself that looks like it was taken on a Motorola Razr then run through six fax machines. Beneath that, you get a curated museum exhibit of useless information that has never once helped anyone decide whether they want to date someone. It proudly includes:
Your birthday
Your address
Where you went to school
Where you went to seminary
What you did with your summers
What college you went to
Your job history
Your parents names
Your parents occupations
What shul they go to
Your father’s rav
Your siblings names
Your siblings ages
What your siblings are up to
Your siblings mechutanim
And of course, the references who are fully prepared to lie their asses off for you
Notice what is missing.
It is honestly impressive how this list manages to capture every useless detail about a human being while skillfully avoiding anything that would actually matter. All the uninteresting facts that nobody cares about and that would never come up organically on dates, neatly organized for your viewing displeasure. I do not know who invented this format, but I am confident it rhymes with “badchen.”
You’re telling me that you see “his sister does shaitels” and suddenly you are interested? That is the criteria? That is what moves the needle? I genuinely cannot wrap my head around the mental gymnastics required to care about this crap.
You know what is never put on these resumes? Anything about the actual person you’re considering going out with. Maybe include some important character traits relevant to the job you are seeking. Something like “Actually knows how to communicate,” or “Does not freak out when faced with minor adversity.” Instead you get fun facts like her brother is a CPA, which tells me nothing except that she has a boring brother. Imagine applying to Google and submitting a resume that lists your favorite video games and your cousin’s career. That is the level of relevance we are working with.
And why is half the resume about the parents? I guess that many people are into threesomes and plan to date the parents as well, but personally I prefer monogamy. Is shidduchim some warped form of eugenics where we trace family pedigree to confirm acceptable breeding stock? Her parents’ occupations have absolutely nothing to do with whether she can maintain an adult conversation, let alone a relationship. The only purpose this design can provide is to obfuscate who the people actually are until after they already went to the Ohel.
So, as a public service, I am taking over shidduchim and am implementing mandatory resume reforms. Effective immediately, all shidduch resumes must include the following information that actually impacts compatibility:
How I respond to criticism
How many SSRIs I am prescribed
Whether I take 3 business days to answer a text
Do I weaponize “I’m just tired” during disagreements
My real conflict style, not the one I pretend to have
How much therapy I think you need, which is really how much therapy I need
My real minimum height requirement
My real maximum neurosis tolerance
How fast I escalate during conflict
Whether I actually want to get married or just want attention
If you will have to drag me into social events or if I show up willingly
Whether I will respect your time or treat it like a suggestion
My real financial expectations, not the one my parents think I have
How needy I get when hungry
Whether I can take a joke or if everything is trauma
How often I say “I’m fine” when I am absolutely not fine
If I can handle a partner with a personality stronger than a paper towel
Whether I am dating for marriage or going out the bare minimum number of times to please my overinvolved mom
My willingness to actually show up, not just talk about showing up
This list is not complete yet, but it is at least more honest than the existing shidduch resume, which is basically a glorified family tree stapled to a blurry headshot. I’m not sure how or why anyone is basing their dating preferences of these useless PDFs, but apparently somehow they are. I guess that’s why no one goes on dates anymore these days.
And the only reason this system still exists in its current form is because it benefits everyone involved. Parents get to cosplay as strategic masterminds. Shadchanim get to pretend they are indispensable. Singles get to outsource accountability so they can blame the system instead of doing the uncomfortable work of growing up. Nobody wants honesty, because honesty would force people to confront the fact that the ones running the system cannot manage their own lives, let alone match other people’s.
“A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.”
Until then, enjoy your blurry headshots and pedigree charts. Nothing will change, because the system is functioning exactly as designed.
P.S. For those interested in having a normal and functional dating bio, this is a great place to start.